The following is a special announcement from the Metropolitan Transit Authority:
Citizens of New York City! Do Not Panic!
If you see something SCREAM something terrible!
Please keep a close eye out for suspicious soda cans!
They could be an explosive device! Be wary of all DIET SODA.
Because if you cover the letter T it says DIE!!
I don’t think I need to tell you what the T stands for – TERRORISM.
So cover it up! Cover up all Terrorism!
Coke stand for Communists Overthrowing & Killing Everyone!!
Pepsi stands for Powerful Explosive! Please Stay Indoors!
Unless you are Mayor Bloomberg! Look how brave the Mayor is!
He’s riding the subway to work with an emotionless look upon
his cold, complacent face! Like a Robot! Holy Shit!
Maybe the Mayor is a sentient android who is intent on killing us all!
I, Bloomberg! Someone call the Fresh Prince of the Apocalypse!
And don’t be fooled by that adorable baby in the baby carriage!
That fetoid could be a bomb! That baby could blow at any moment!
And no amount of wet ones and breast milk will stop it!
So citizens of New York City ride our subway if you MUST!
But just know you’d be much safer in your homes
unless you live by a landmark or a power plant or by the water!
Maybe we’d all be safer in a red state – who knows?
The important thing is NOT TO PANIC!!!
And thank you for riding MTA.
Shappy Seasholtz moved to New York City 3 weeks after 9/11 to help open the Bowery Poetry Club. He is now NYC-Urbana's Slammaster and author of the forthcoming book, The Ass Menagerie (Kapow! Press).
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